Over the past year, I’ve started reading a lot more non-fiction books, especially books on relationships. Well, sometimes I read them and sometimes I just skim them for the good parts. About a month ago, I finally got around to reading a relationship classic, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I already knew about the five love languages and had taken the online quiz with my girlfriend Haley, but I hadn’t ever read the real book. I had low expectations because I already knew a lot of the content of the book, but I was really pleasantly surprised.
The ideas in the book really aren’t complex in any way, and the book is pretty short too, which might be the real reason it is so good and successful. To his credit, Mr. Chapman does a good job of sticking to well-established ideas on love and psychology. Most importantly, he doesn’t fall into the common relationship-author trap of making broad assumptions or radical claims. The Five Love Languages certainly isn’t rocket science, it isn’t difficult to understand, but it does provide great explanations as to how to better show love for your partner.
The book’s content is so straightforward that I summarize it in half a page
Understand a person’s love language and you have a direct line to their heart. Heck, if you really understand what you’re doing you can practically become a puppet master over their emotions. Use the power wisely.
For me, understanding and applying Haley’s love language has recently been the biggest key to continuing to grow our emotional connection.
The book describes the five love languages as quality time (spending time fully engaged together and doing activities), words of affirmation (compliments, encouragement, verbalizing your feelings), gifts (the more thoughtful the better), acts of service (doing the dishes, running to the store, etc.), and physical touch (a casual brush of the arm, a massage, or sexual). Dr. Chapman explains in the book that most people have one primary language, and maybe a secondary one as well. The best way to show someone love is in their language. Simple things done in their language are worth much more to them than an extravagant display of love using the wrong language.
However the execution of these concepts is a different (embarrassing) story
Haley and I both have very obvious and distinct primary love languages. For Haley, words of affirmation mean more than anything, and physical touch is her secondary language. I am both incredibly simple and mystifying because my primary language is quality time. Almost nothing else really says “I love you” to me.
I have spent a lot of time annoyed that Haley wasn’t feeling appreciated when I was clearly going out of my way to see her and spend time with her, even at my own significant inconvenience. And Haley has certainly been bamboozled when all of the compliments in the world haven’t broken through my skin and reached my heart.
Turns out we were making an embarrassingly simple and typical mistake.
It is very instinctive for us to try to show love using our own love language. We think of the things that mean a lot to us and do them for others. Unless you both share the same language, you will soon be confused and probably feel a bit rejected when your partner gives you a much more underwhelming thanks than you anticipated. Use the proper language, however, and they will be singing your praises for weeks.
“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.” – Nelson Mandela
Learning to give Haley words of affirmation has been a lot of work for me. I am used to showing my caring through actions, effort, and showing up. Throughout my life, I have rarely expressed my feelings through my words, and early in my relationship with Haley, I was shitty at using my words.
Since then, I have worked consciously to stop sucking at something so important to Haley, and I’m no longer a big smelly pile of garbage at it.
Sometimes I still internally resist the idea, thinking to myself that Haley should clearly see my actions and not need any verbal reassurance that I care about her.
Which is, of course, just lazy, asshole Sean trying to convince kind, caring Sean to take a hike. I absolutely don’t want to undermine Haley’s emotional independence, but there’s a big difference between Haley needing constant reassurance (which she doesn’t) and her wishing I would man up a little more often and verbalize my emotions and feelings.
Haley is still a little bothered by the fact that her words don’t have a bigger impact on me. Recently, she has been stepping up her game in understanding that my brain and heart work almost completely backwards from hers. Whenever she instinctively wants to reward me with words of affection, she redirects her energy and positive emotion towards making sure we are consistently engaging in quality ways.
Practice, Payoff, and Preventative Maintenance
What Haley and I have discovered about learning and applying the others’ love language is that although it seems kinda simple to intellectual understand the concept, it is a lot more tricky actually living it out. It takes a lot of conscious effort to think about expressing our feelings in a way that is more foreign to us. As we have started building habits of abandoning our natural tendencies and using the proper language, it has become easier and easier to give love to the other that is completely received as intended.
It still does not come that naturally to either of us, and we often struggle to direct our energy correctly. I easily forget to compliment or speak my appreciation for Haley aloud, especially when I am busy, tired, or just want to give my brain a rest. It takes a pretty consistent effort to remind myself to go above and beyond my natural tendencies and consistently give Haley words of affirmation.
However, the payoff is well worth the effort. By filling up each other’s love tanks, we both feel more appreciated and positive around the other.
It’s a bit of a self-reinforcing cycle. Because we are feeling more loved and happier, we have more time and energy to put into the other rather than focusing it inward on keeping our own chins up.
Also, the more consistently you speak love in the proper language, the less frequently the other person will need to hear it. When someone is starved of love, they ask for nourishment constantly, and a little bit of love food barely takes the edge off. However, a person full of love only needs a little top-off, far less frequently than the starving person would ask for it.
In my opinion, putting your time and energy towards fluently speaking your significant other’s love language is the best way to improve an already established and more or less healthy relationship. Gary Chapman writes about numerous couples who have been married for over a decade and have transformed their relationships by taking the time to practice the right language. There are few problems that cannot be overcome when you and your partner really show and understand how much you care about each other.