Ever watch a movie where the main character couple seem to deliberately not talk to each other about the elephant in the room issue just so that one of them can have an epiphany moment, come to the other apologizing, hug it out, and then live happily ever after? If you’ve seen more than like 3 movies then I’m sure the answer is yes. And for once, it seems that the movie industry got something right. A lot of people in a relationship really do a shit job of talking to each other about life stuff. Someone sees a potential problem but is too scared to speak up. Someone feels like they just need to take care of things on their own.
Good communication is one of the most important things to a relationship that lasts through the decades. Haley and I are acutely aware of how difficult it is to do consistently, and we frequently see other couples dropping the ball as well.
Shoot first and ask questions later may work in the Wild West, but do it in a relationship and it’ll make you a Lone Ranger
For me personally, the most impactful thing I have learned about communication is to be proactive, not reactive. Trying to catch problems or have conversations before shit hits the fan is about 10x easier than trying to figure things out after the fact. And it builds a whole lot of trust that when something needs talking about, you will bring it up.
But damn it is hard. A lot of the time I don’t even realize the assumptions I have in my head about something. Then all of a sudden Haley and I are confused about why we weren’t on the same page.
Haley and I are very open and honest with our communication. At times, it can feel like we are being really savage to each other. We are not afraid to say something right to the other’s face, knowing full well that they aren’t going to like hearing it. We have decided that always being real with each other far outweighs momentary periods of being angry, sad, or frustrated.
But when shit gets tough to say, we never EVER lash out at the other person. We both know that hashing things out civilly is going to get us a million times farther that yelling at each other, no matter how tempting it is or good it would feel. Instead, we channel that energy into caring about the other person and our relationship.
When I find myself thinking something rash or damaging, I remind myself that I would only sabotage myself and our relationship by saying stupid shit that I would later regret. And when tempers inevitably flare a little or we get frustrated, we don’t give up on talking and ignore the topic. We push through, knowing that if we ignore what needs to be said, it will fester and infect our relationship. Sometimes we need to take a step back from a conversation to put our feelings in check or think about things on our own more, but until we get to the end of the conversation, we do not put the topic to rest.
Talking with a purpose, not just to hear yourself speak.
Another pitfall we run into is that Haley and I can talk can talk a topic to death and realize that we still haven’t really resolved anything. We will have really thoroughly hashed out what the problems are and why they are there, but we haven’t come up with any solutions, or neither one of us wants to compromise.
Sometimes the most important part is to just get the words out there so that both people know what the other person is thinking and feeling. But when something is a real issue that needs to be solved, discussion without results doesn’t really get us anyway. When we have something really important that needs to be figured out, we agree to go into the conversation knowing that we need to come to a resolution. We will periodically check in with our progress towards a resolution and make sure that we aren’t just going in circles.
I find it extremely helpful to lay out all the possible solutions and discuss them briefly to gauge how each person feels about things. This way, Haley and I aren’t immediately commiting to opposite sides, which could turn a conversation into an argument or fight. Often, we discover that we feel more similarly than either of us initially assumed.
Ignoring difficult topics is like building a puzzle without the last few pieces — things are going great and then you get really pissed off
Another way we have improved our communication is by being more consistent. Some topics may be easier to talk about than others, but you can’t neglect the difficult ones. The conversations that are had more frequently become the conversations that are easiest to have, because the framework is already in place. If you have really healthy communication in the bedroom, it will be a lot easier to have the next conversation about something sex related. By having one conversation about something, it makes the next and the next so much easier to have.
In the opposite way, neglecting a topic for weeks or months just makes that conversation harder and harder to have. There have been times when I’ve thought in my head, “Maybe I should bring this up… But it’s really not that big of a deal.” Then if I think about trying to bring it up at a later date, it feels like because I didn’t bring it up before, why would I bring it up now. It feels bad to realize that I missed talking about it at the best time.
By being proactive and having that first talk to lay the groundwork for further discussion, even if the first one is quick and dirty, Haley and I have been much more consistent in our communication. We aim for consistency across all topics of life in our conversations, and we do our best not to neglect anything. The conversations we naturally want to avoid are almost certainly the ones that are most important for us to have. Understanding this has really helped us catch problems before they grow into frustration or arguments.