Time for another book review, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Usually I only talk about books that I really enjoy all of the way through, but this book gets a bit more of a mixed review. There are certainly some useful and applicable insights about the behaviors of men and women, but author John Gray may have entered the Guinness Book of World Records with this book for broadest and most matter-of-fact generalizations of all time. He also makes fewer suggestions about how to use what he writes about to grow and improve than I’d like. For all its weaknesses, the book provided Haley and I some interesting metaphors that helped us understand better how the other behaves. Let’s dive in!
Early in the book, John Gray talks about how men and women deal with their problems and stressors and how their partners typically react. He explains that women like to talk about their problems to feel heard, rather than to solve them. Men are very solution focused and usually will try to work through their problems by themselves in their own heads. Problems arise when we see our partners stressed or hear about their problems and try to use our own techniques to handle the problem, which backfires.
It’s not all that revolutionary of an idea that men need to stop trying to fix women’s problems and just listen. Or that a man’s biggest complaint is that his wife is always bitching at him. However, actually changing our behavior and working towards a compromise can take a lot of effort, especially when we ourselves are feeling stressed or tired over our own problems.
Ever have someone tell you that you’re such a good listener when all you did was sit there quietly?
For me, coming to understand what Haley needs when she is talking about her life has been a big step. I show that I am hearing her by coming out of my own head and asking follow-up questions. I do my best to empathize with her and think about how her stories made her feel. This can be really tough for me because I do naturally think about solutions rather than feelings, but Haley sees that I am making an effort to share her emotions, which is enough for her to feel heard. As John Gray explains, it can be surprising for guys (#metoo) to realize that with listening and empathy, effort is far more important than quality.
When I do a good job of actively listening to and empathizing with Haley, it helps her deal with her negative emotions much more quickly. When I listen poorly, it often takes her longer to move on because quite reasonably, she feels that she wasn’t able to properly communicate how she is feeling.
However, I can still be pretty tough on Haley. I always want to hold her accountable for her feelings and challenge her to tackle them before they become overwhelming. However, when she is overwhelmed, I make sure to work extra hard to have patience and listen well.
A big discovery for Haley and me has been that although a number of things may be bothering Haley, it is usually only one of them that is the actual problem. By working to find that thing and acknowledge it, the negative feelings often mysteriously evaporate. Simply recognizing what is bothering Haley is usually a solution in and of itself. I will use this knowledge by asking Haley about how strong her feelings are on the different problems that are bothering her, and she will be able to quickly dismiss some of them as not really bothering her that much. I will also try to reassure her about the thing that is really bothering her, and show her love with words of affirmation, which is especially powerful as it is her primary love language.
My caveman brain in action — Upgrading my silence/grunts to words or even full sentences
On the other side of things, we have both learned a lot about how I communicate, respond, and behave in different circumstances. Mr. Gray spends a few chapters discussing the various patterns of behavior common to men and how many of them are perceived by women as signal flares that something is wrong.
He first introduces the idea that men sometimes need to retreat into their caves to solve their problems of the day, especially after a difficult day at work. He also describes how we can become quiet and enter our caves during an emotional or difficult conversation and need some time to come up with an answer. Although I believe that guys need to go into their caves far less than the author claims (most of our mindless entertainment, including sports, isn’t actually for coping with stress. Maybe John Gray is trying to sell the idea to his wife), he is spot on with the second point.
I used to have a tendency of freaking Haley out when she would give a difficult opinion or say something in a serious conversation, and I would just say “OK” and not respond with a similarly thought-out answer. John explains that many women think the guy is ignoring them or showing that he doesn’t care enough to give a good answer. What was really going on is that I truly didn’t have an answer for Haley immediately. Haley will often talk out loud to figure out what she is thinking or feeling about something, but I need time in my head to come up with a response and figure out my feelings. Understanding this about me has helped Haley understand what is going on in my head, and not worry that I am not listening to her.
When I feel myself needing time to find my response, I try to assure Haley that I heard what she said and need time to process the information, but will get back to her once I am able. Sometimes I just need a few dozen seconds of silence to think, which used to make Haley think I was upset or otherwise bothered by what she had said, because that is the response she gives when she has those feelings.
It’s not only angsty teenagers. Mood swings are normal for everyone
The two chapters “Men are like rubber bands” and “Women are like waves” have provided great metaphors for Haley and me to think about our patterns of intimacy. John Gray says that men are like rubber bands in that they will periodically stretch away from their partner and their relationship to reground themselves in their independence, and then snap back and dive back into their intimacy.
I don’t identify very strongly with this explanation, as I don’t feel that I lose myself or my autonomy by connecting with Haley. However, I do follow the rubber band pattern of sometimes wanting to spend more time alone, and other times snapping back and wanting to spend every minute with Haley. Haley has always been amazing about giving me the space I need, and we have usually had a good balance of time together and apart. Again, understanding my rubber band-like behavior helps Haley worry far less when she feels like I am more in my own head or wanting to spend a little more time by myself. It also helps reassure Haley when I feel myself following a natural cycle of pulling away, and not worry myself that I am liking Haley less or that there is something wrong between us.
By women are like waves, John means that a woman’s self-esteem and ability to love rise and fall like the peaks and valleys of a wave. As her wave builds, a woman feels good about herself and can pour out love to those around her. After so much giving of love, her wave suddenly crashes, and she can be overwhelmed by the sudden immersion into the negative feelings that she had been pushing aside while pouring out love.
Haley follows this pattern almost exactly. She can go days and weeks feeling great about herself and sharing her love with those around her, especially me. However, every once in awhile she will suddenly crash and find herself with low self-esteem, overwhelmed by the things she has to do or the responsibility she feels.
By listening patiently and reassuring Haley with words of affirmation, I have learned how to help Haley make these periods of crashing shorter and shorter, and help her get back on the surfboard and ride the wave upwards.
A grand gesture might win the girl, but small, consistent acts of appreciation will keep her interested
The final section of the book that taught me something interesting about Haley is on scoring points. Haley and I don’t keep score in our relationship. We don’t even keep track of who paid for what. We more or less take turns paying for a dinner out, but we don’t follow a strict every other time schedule or anything. Haley and I both feel that keeping score makes the relationship feel transactional and undermines our trust in each other.
Even though John Gray writes about scoring points, it still resonates with the way Haley responds to my efforts.
The author states that men think they score a lot of points when they make a big contribution to the relationship or take their significant other on a really special date. However, women count everything done for them or for the relationship as one point. A guy may feel like he scored 50 points all at once, but to his partner, it was only worth one. Mr. Gray stresses how important it is for men to realize that little things are really important to women.
Throughout dating Haley, she always seemed similarly as appreciative when I took her out to a nice dinner as when I did something as simple as washing the dishes. I used to brush this off and think that she must actually value them differently. However, I now realize that she basically doesn’t. A few select things like a love letter (words of affirmation) will win me a couple of points but most things are truly worth 1 point.
The best thing I can do for Haley is to consistently do little things to help her and our relationship. If I constantly stay engaged and contribute a little here and there, it is worth far more than a grand gesture every once in a while.