A relationship without good sex doesn’t seem to really get anywhere. Not connecting physically halts new lovers in their tracks more quickly than any other incompatibility imaginable.
When I was new to a relationship myself, I never realized how inevitably sex morphs and changes once you start getting good at it, or really just used to doing it, with someone.
Getting comfortable with each other in bed is a double-edged sword
Seeing Haley naked for the 100th time was much less novel and in itself exciting than seeing her like that for the first time. Not because I liked her any less. The physical response of my body was just different. Quite simply, many of the factors that bring about nervous excitement were no longer there.
The elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and shaky arms all require an anticipation of something unexpected. It’s hard not to predict more or less what will happen after we have done it enough times.
Just like initial love feeling fades as the Honeymoon period makes its exit, the mystery and novelty of sex naturally fade. This habituation happens faster for some than others, but at some point Haley and I could (very, very rarely) actually go a full week without touching each other.
This does not mean that the sex is now “bad” or less awesome. In fact, sex is still just as exciting for Haley and me as it was in the beginning of our relationship. And we very much plan to keep it that way.
However, it does not come as naturally as the early days when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. As with everything in a relationship, it takes a little work and a little planning to keep the sex motor well oiled and running smoothly.
Playing 1D chess between the sheets
There have certainly been times when our sex life has hit a little bit of a lull. We found some things that worked, and we stopped mixing things up. We lost a lot of the precious driving force of vulnerability that sex can bring to a relationship.
Variety is the spice of sex. When Haley and I lost a lot of that variety, we lost the full potential of the benefits of sex.
Porn teaches us that sex is completely one-dimensional. Sure they switch up sex positions, but if we step back for a second, the sex is always the same. A little bit of foreplay, a lot of hard fucking, and the screen goes black a few seconds after the guy comes.
Growing up, there aren’t a lot of ways to learn about sex – how to do it and do it well. Mostly we have porn, and we have our peers. Rarely is a parent or adult role-model willing to explain the complexities and depth of sex, especially ones who grew up in a more religious era.
Our peers aren’t so helpful either. They are generally watching porn right along with us and not really bringing any new or different ideas to the table.
Haley and I didn’t consciously internalize how to have sex from porn and try to copy it. Getting consistently bashed over the head with a message that sex is primarily a physical experience certainly didn’t do us any good.
Like most new couples, we started off hot and heavy physically. We got really good really fast and ran out of room to grow in our mostly one-dimensional sex life.
We were chasing bigger, better orgasms. Haley and I were fucking all right, but infrequently, if ever making love.
Our sex life during these lulls wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t as fantastic and bonding as it could have been. It is easy to enjoy the physical feelings in the moment, but the incredibly valuable feelings of connection and love come before and especially after sexual intercourse. With this in mind, Haley and I have started to unlock the ability to create lasting feelings of physical and emotional bliss through sex.
Popular sex advice is only the first layer of the cake
Popular advice for revitalizing or spicing up your sex life revolves entirely around switching things up phsyically. Try a new position, a new location, light some candles, or make a playlist. This is popular advice because, well, it’s pretty decent advice.
Haley and I have found that varying the physical is truly an important piece of keeping our sex life at its peak. Trying a difficult new position, doing it in the kitchen, while on your period, or in a restaurant bathroom (The Office anyone?) are all great ways to rekindle the mystique and anticipation. “Breaking the rules” and trying things out of our comfort zones are fantastic ways to rediscover the vulnerability and uniqueness of experience that are so crucial to emotional bonding.
The other reason it is popular advice is that it doesn’t exactly take a genius to realize that it’s fun trying out new things during sex.
As always, it also does not tell nearly the whole story.
Making our sex life incredible and keeping it that required Haley and I to make a detour from focusing on the physical sensations.
Could orgasms actually be pushing us apart?
Haley has always said that the best part of sex is the connection she feels to me during and afterwards. I have always laughed at her because during sex, it sure seems (and sounds) like her favorite part is the physical sensation.
More recently, I have tried to feel and create the emotional connection more strongly myself. One of the major ways Haley and I have accomplished this together is by switching up the type of sex we are having, not just the position or location.
In her book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, Marnia Robinson explains the neuroscience of orgasms. She claims that the common pattern of falling passionately in love, bonding sexually for a time, and then falling out of love is largely driven by orgasms and our resulting brain chemistry.
From an evolutionary perspective, it is most likely that we pass on our genes by mating with the largest number of people. That way, it is less likely that our genetic line is cut short by an infertile partner or incompatible genes.
Marnia explains that orgasms release chemicals that trigger us to start looking for a new partner. After a few years, we get irritable and fed up with each other precisely because we are having orgasms together. Not because we are having bad sex.
Whether or not this science will hold up in the future, it is another reason not to focus so solely on orgasms. One way to do this is explained in the book, and I have coined it “cuddle sex”.
How cuddling can be fun for guys, too
Cuddle sex is gentle, slow sex that focuses on feeling connected and focusing on your partner and their body rather than trying to create the most intense physical sensation possible. Once we get going, it can be hard for Haley and I not to go wild and bring on the orgasms. And sometimes we realize we just feel like fucking.
When we do stick to only cuddle sex, it is a really cool experience. As hippy as it sounds, it really does feel like I’m more connected to Haley. It is much less animal and much more personal.
As a bonus, it works great in a variety of positions, including missionary, spooning, or facing each other on our sides.
We generally even stop before either one of us reaches orgasm (which is the whole point), and we both still walk away from it feeling amazing.
I probably just made it sound like we just cuddle instead of having sex. In reality, most of the time we have “normal” sex. And we likely have passionate, hard sex more often than we have cuddle sex. Varying the type of sex we have helps Haley and me best express and nurture a variety of feelings depending on the mood we are in.
In the same ways that we vary the types of sexual intercourse we have, we vary the types of sexual contact in general. It doesn’t always have to be penetrative sex.
Kissing, eye contact, and soft touches are all good options for making things more personal.
A quick stop at love language lane and arriving at outstanding orgasms
The final way that we bring in the emotional piece is through communication. Saying “I love you” during sex is incredibly powerful. I probably wouldn’t say it for the first time during sex, but once Haley and I were comfortable expressing our love for each other, it became another way to enduce an emotional feeling along with the physical.
As a big words person, Haley gets a lot out of compliments and appreciation. Dirty talk is great for heightening the passion and intensity if we’re in the right mood. For boosting emotional connection, a thoughtful comment from me about how attractive or amazing I think she is does the same trick.
For me and my need for quality time, I feel the most emotional connection when Haley is really into it and listening to my body. The non-verbal communication is the most important. I can feel really in-tune with her when she is engaged and active.
What was the point of all this emotional connection again? To be clear, I’m very pro-orgasm and don’t like to overthink sex. At least when I’m doing it, not writing about it. The entire point of this detour from focusing on the physical is precisely to make the physical/emotional feelings so much more powerful.
I do, in fact, still very much want the best orgasms.
Through a combination of physical and emotional, Haley and I can generate the strongest, most intense overall feelings during sex. And along with those come the most intense, and often simultaneous, orgasms.