When I first started having sex in my relationship, I saw it as fun, enjoyable, and a bit mysterious. In the beginning, it was a huge peak after a build up of sexual tension between Haley and me.
When sex grows up, it becomes making love (but it doesn’t have to be one of those boring grown-ups)
Inevitably, as my relationship with Haley has progressed, sex has changed. Gone are the days of being hesitant or unsure. Gone are the days of bumping foreheads or ending up in a tangle of limbs.
Sex has changed, but there are always ways for us to reconnect with the novelty and mystique felt early on in our relationship. Just because we are more comfortable does not mean that it is boring or lacks that special spark. There is always more room to explore each other and push boundaries.
What I notice most is that sex has grown to be much more complex. Not that it was ever just about fucking our brains out. There was always a very strong emotional component for both Haley and me, as there is for everyone (even guys!).
Sex is more complex now because our connection and relationship is so much stronger.
As our feelings for each other have become much richer and deeper, so has the emotional connection and depth of our sex. It is still just as fun and enjoyable (if not more so because we are better at it), and now it is also a way to physically express our love for each other.
Done right, and we can feel like we are having emotional orgasms right along with the physical ones. A delicious scoop of dopamine to go on top of that warm oxytocin cookie.
I think all the other animals on Earth secretly wonder why humans make sex out to be such a big deal
This all got me thinking, “What is the role of sex in a committed relationship? How does that change with the seriousness and healthiness of a relationship? What role does sex play in my relationship with Haley?
Sex is a huge part of basically all romatic relationships in the 21st century. Talking about sex openly is still a beautiful balance of uncomfortable and edgy, yet not enough so where it is taboo. A perfect recipe for it to be the most exciting thing to talk about with your friends.
From casual sex to a committed relationship, sex is one of the most tangible measuring sticks of a relationship. It is the main way that we talk about the progress of a new relationship or romantic interest.
Since middle school, it’s seemed like the only question anyone ever wanted to ask about a relationship was “Are you guys having sex yet?”. Even into our twenties and thirties, we judge relationship progress and seriousness off whether the pair in question is getting it on yet.
One reason it is so easy to talk about sex is that it requires zero emotional or relationship intelligence to discuss. Even before I basically knew anything about emotions or feelings, I could recognize that if two people were having sex, something deeper was going on.
Unfortunately, all this talk about sex is not because it is of pivotal importance to a relationship. However much fun sex is to have and talk about, it is not the secret sauce.
You say sex isn’t the secret sauce… But what if it is really good, orgasm-filled, transcendental sex
Once a serious relationship begins and the sex is consistent, the question shifts from if we are having sex to how good the sex is.
This, however, is in no way the right question to be asking.
I have certainly fallen into the trap of asking easy, shallow questions about my friends’ physical relationships rather than asking a more engaging question to find out how it is actually going. It can be a bit awkward and difficult to ask an appropriately deep yet not intrusive question. Open ended questions about someone’s relationship usually don’t go anywhere either.
It is a lot easier to say “The sex is good” or “The sex is not so good” than to go into a lengthy explanation about the quality of your emotional connection.
This focus on and ease of talking about sex has lead to an interesting phenomena.
For decades, we have been stuck on the idea that having good sex means you have a good relationship.
The funny thing is that we know better. We know that this simply isn’t true. Everyone has a friend who is in a relationship that really isn’t working for them, but they convince themselves that things are fine because the sex is good.
I certainly understand feeling like you are uniquely connected to someone, especially after particularly good sex. The tsunami of oxytocin certainly doesn’t hurt.
However, I refuse to believe that anyone seriously thinks that good sex will carry a relationship through imcompatibilities or difficult conversations. It seems like everyone in that position is actively ignoring that little voice in the back of their head. You know, the one explaining just how high the cliff is that their relationship car is heading over.
In her book The Defining Decade, therapist Meg Jay describes numerous patients who sheepishly admitted to her that the reason they were still dating Mr. or Mrs. Asshole is because they enjoy the sex. They know the relationship isn’t what they really want. They know they can find another warm body to have good sex with.
Tricked again by the entertainment industry
I think there’s a another simple reason why we (including me) fall into the trap of saying good sex = good relationship.
We so often see in movies, T.V shows (shout-out Sex Education), and other media tell us that problems in sex stem from problems in the relationship.
A couple that has communication or emotional connection problems will often be having mediocre sex or not even having sex at all.
It seems so logical that bad sex (or no sex) = bad relationship. It’s very easy to imagine that if I was having bad sex in my relationship, I would not be interested in sticking around.
Bad sex or no sex is a deal-breaker for most people. I think this is totally sensible. Even mediocre sex feels about as satisfying as taking out the trash.
If two people can’t enjoy sex at all together, then they almost certainly don’t actually like each other.
However, just because bad sex = bad relationship, it does not mean that good sex = good relationship. Bad sex is a frantically-waving red flag that something is wrong. The good relationship green light is not good sex, but a mixture of independence, alignment, and trust.
Sex is like the dessert of a relationship. Because it won’t sustain you but sure is delicious? Or because it always attracts your attention first?
Sex is a great perk of a relationship. Haley and I sure enjoy it. I won’t pretend that we don’t feel better about our relationship when we are having especially good sex.
Sex can even help grow areas of your relationship, like communication and practicing vulnerability.
However, sex is not a shortcut to growth and connection. It will not drive your relationship or fix your problems.
Haley and I have found that it is best to stick to using communication, patience, and personal growth to work through obstacles and deepen our connection.
We still like to use sex to reconnect when feeling disjointed or upset about something. What we do, though, is choose to have sex after we work through a problem, rather than having sex instead of talking about it.
Quite a bit more fun to seal a compromise with sex than with a signature or handshake.
Another way that sex has benefited our relationship is by giving us an opportunity to explore ourselves, push boundaries, and learn new things about ourselves and each other. Every time we try something new, it grows our individual confidence and trust in each other.
Benefit #2 of trying new things out in the bedroom — it keeps sex from ever feeling routine.
Not allowing our sex life to get in a rut has been huge for keeping the connection we feel through it potent and powerful. Keeping sex fresh and interesting allows it to stay special and meaningful. That way, sex can still say “I love you” in the love language of physical touch.
Sex is certainly not that one Jenga block at the bottom holding up the rest of the relationship tower. It is, however, a wonderful perk of a healthy relationship that I fully plan on continuing to enjoy to its fullest.