Thank goodness progressive social movements overthrew the ideas of abstinence-preaching Christians and have normalized sex. Sex is great for a multitude of reasons: it feels great, it connects people emotionally, and it can be awkward and rebellious, a perfect recipe to provide a driving force for growth. Of course, sex is also frequently abused and misused, which is probably why the bible-thumpers lobbied against it so aggressively. But when done responsibly and with the full consent of all parties, sex is a great tool to grow communication in your relationship.
From new lovers to long-time boot-knockers, sex can be novel and tension-filled every time you slide between the sheets. And this is the perfect environment to grow your communication.
But why communication? If we listen to the stereotype, no one wants their partner talking during sex.
This is exactly why new parts of communication can be developed. Non-verbal communication, communicating intentions with minimal words or noises, and reflecting and planning between sexual bouts are all on the table.
Shut up and let your body do the talking
Our non-verbal communication is rarely tested but is truly a huge part of how couples communicate. Well, really how humans communicate. Most of the time there is a problem, the other person picks up on it from non-verbals. Everyone has detected their partner’s mood when they are stressed, angry, or irritated without having to be explicitly told with words.
In my experience with sex, things usually go smoothly, but somtimes something isn’t working as well as it could. By paying attention to your partner, you can learn a lot more about their expressions and body language when they are enjoying something or generally positive versus uncomfortable or having a negative reaction.
Learning your significant other’s non-verbal cues translates from the bedroom to everyday life. By paying attention to Haley’s body language during sex, I have learned to better read her mood during all of our interactions, which allows me play off her emotion better, and know how far I can toe the line with jokes or teasing.
If you aren’t going and getting yours, you’re really missing out
Communicating what you want during sex can take the physical intimacy to the next level. It used to be difficult for me to tell Haley that something she was doing wasn’t really working for me, or could be done differently and better. It can be so tough for some people that they would rather fake an orgasm than admit that something about the sex wasn’t working for them. Haley and I both discovered that pushing past this little bit of discomfort can pay off in a big way.
The first time, it can feel a little weird and unsexy to give your partner some suggestions about the best way to give you pleasure. However, it suddenly makes a lot more sense when your mediocre sexual interactions suddenly turn into fantastic ones by giving each other a few tips and tricks.
By becoming more comfortable and on the same page, Haley and I have learned to communicate our exact intentions or desires during sex with only noises, a few words, or a short sentence. Again, this applies to everyday life, where we can often understand the other without having to explicitly spell out everything that we are thinking.
Less than a minute the first time, but a lifetime to master
For Haley and I, teaching each other about our bodies and what feels best has been a huge growing experience. It can be a bit humbling to have to shut up and listen because the other person knows way more than you about their body. I never knew a uterus could be so damn complicated, or that a woman’s body has so many areas that can bring sexual pleasure. I’m more than a little jealous (especially the multiple orgasms). It also has given me a much greater appreciation for how complex female health can be, and all that Haley has to deal with, including periods, UTI’s, etc.
Something I never really thought about was all of the little things about my genitals that can’t really be learned without a pair attached to your own body. The same goes for Haley. It has been really cool and informative to share the intricacies of how our sexual organs work and is really helpful to make sex even better.
I know my penis best, just as Haley knows her vagina better than anyone else. And unfortunately, we have no way to hack into each other’s nerves or brains to feel what the other person is feeling. Becoming comfortable telling the other that something doesn’t feel great is such a great low stakes way of practicing rejection. It allows you to both work together to find what does work best, and creates an even more powerful bonding experience through sex.
I promise talking about sex doesn’t ruin it… Unless you actually enjoy feeling nervous and uncertain
A final way that we grow our communication is by reflecting on the recent times we have had sex, and planning on what we want to do or try the next time. This can be quite vulnerable because it can be embarrassing to admit that you have enjoyed or want to try something less socially normative or even kinky. It’s even worse to look your partner in the face and tell them the things you didn’t enjoy or the ways you felt like you fell short during sex.
The experience of reflecting on and planning for future sex is incredibly powerful for building connection, trust, and communication. Admitting things that can be better or suggesting new ways of doing things in detail and with full sentences can be quite sensitive and emotion-provoking. In the context of sex, it is much lower stakes, and at the risk of beating a dead horse, it applies brilliantly to the rest of a relationship.
The key here is having an involved and detailed conversation. It can be so easy for Haley and me to bring up a way we fall short in our relationship or something that we could improve, and for us to simply agree that we can do better without actually coming up with a plan for how to execute. When it comes to sex, we are forced to actually discuss details, actions, and strategies for improving our physical intimacy. We aren’t the type to come up with a sex script to act out, but we are forced to discuss the mildly uncomfortable topic in enough detail that we know more or less exactly what the other person wants.
This practice of pushing through an awkward topic to come up with a better solution has helped us do the same during an argument, or when one of us feels like someone is letting the team down.
It’s no big revelation that good, healthy sex can really strengthen a relationship. When a couple is having problems with sex they are usually problems of communication and are indicative of larger problems within a relationship. By growing our communication through sex, Haley and I have simultaneously improved our communication in other uncomfortable conversations and throughout our whole relationship.