You’re just beginning

Overlooking the Ban Na Klang hill tribe I spent two months with in Thailand after graduation

I have spent my life burrowing into the cracks of other hearts

Finding empty spaces to fill with a desperation like a dog digging at high tide

Forgetting that I have plenty of chasms of my own

And I have said the right things, I have thought the right thoughts

I have come up head out of water dripping epiphanies, my tired lungs screaming

This time will be different

But it’s always the same

Because I’ve come to think that I can’t exist unless I’m in somebody else’s arms —

Why am I so convinced that my own flesh isn’t good enough?

And I am laced with holes, spiked with absence

I am a clumsy collection of bruises made worse by a constant retracing of steps but

Today

I am also mine

And five years is enough to make any identity crumble when you’re taught to fear nothing more than being alone

But solitude is far from the worst this world has to offer

I said I was going to find myself and foolishly looked in someone else

Again

And in giving everything away I forgot the joy of owning anything but grief

And yes, when the world is heavy sometimes you share the burden

But sometimes the only way out is to remember how much strength lies in your own arms

You don’t need a savior even though I know your hands are too small to catch all of the hurt you want to contain

Because they are just the right size for holding your own heart

Someday you might find someone whose grip is the perfect match, but that won’t be what makes you whole

You are stronger than you know and the greatest testament of strength isn’t not caring —

It’s caring so much you ooze forgiveness and practice love and wake up with joy after crying yourself to sleep because

It is okay to feel the entire world on top of you

But it’s not okay to give under the weight

It’s not the end

It’s not the end

You’re just beginning.

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